A Mothers Love came to me shortly after the birth of my son. My pregnancy was the most ecstatic beautiful wholesome feeling I've ever experienced. The last 7 months were the best months of my life at that point.

I was 5 weeks pregnant when we found out. We saw a doctor who had previously seen me for gynaecological checks of 37 continuous days of black bleeding 3 months before. I worried was this bleeding was related to having CIN3 and a tumour on my cervix back in 2017. The oncologist who treated me back then told me I would struggle to go full term in pregnancy but after 4 more operations, I was told children would not be a thing for me. The baby doctor told me England is over precautious and I was going to be fine.

At 8 weeks pregnant I started heavy bleeding and was taken to the hospital for a suspected miscarriage. Part of some of the tissue I passed was medically thought to be a second embryo but the other embryo, my boy, remained inside growing away.

The picture you see to the right here is me at 5 months.

Between 8 weeks and the day my boy was born, my partner and I went every two weeks, minimum, for a scan and cervical check. More often if I felt little to no movement for a day or two.

Despite the 37kg weight gain, my midwife refused to test me for gestational diabetes and instead instructed that I stop eating.

Believe me, we were expecting a big baby. My partner was 9.9lbs & I was 9.8lbs at birth. And no I did not hold back on the food cravings. I enjoyed every crumb just like a pregnant momma should!

My boy at 33 weeks was checking in around 4.5 - 5 lbs. Our midwife said my baby was bigger than she expected and believed she then must have the dates wrong so I was therefore 37 weeks.

I was so relaxed and so confident, knowing he would come when he is ready. It was a nice feeling, trusting myself, my body, and the divine timing of the universe.

One Wednesday evening when the braxton hixxs came and stayed... my midwife asked us to see her in the hospital that Thursday afternoon. We went, she made some checks. Said baby was happy, no room to move, and the sensation I had was minor contractions. Now we were to wait out the night and see what Friday would bring. She messaged later that night to go to her clinic for 8.30am the following morning.

We went, she checked me and baby over. Everything was fine. It was just a waiting game. Waiting for our boy to be ready to make his entrance!

She asked me again whether I wanted a c-section because this is going to be a big baby. I declined. No, no thank you a c-section is not how I want to bring my boy into this world not physically, emotionally or spiritually. Besides, we are anticipating a big boy!

She then said she wanted to make one more check and could I get back on the bed for the scanner. I did and it was at this point she said "oh he has moved and now the cord is around his neck, this is a medical emergency, you must go to the hospital for a section immediately.

I asked her to show me and she took the scanner pad away from my stomach and got up to make a phone call. I stared in shock, horror, disgust, and utter disbelief at my partner who was mirroring the same look as my internals were screaming.

I'm in tears when the doctor returns to tell us we must drive to the next city. Everything is arranged for 10am and we must leave to get there.

My ENTIRE body was screaming NO, RUN, GO HOME, DON'T DO THIS. But the outside voices were telling me "it's best for baby", "the doctor said so", "everything will be okay".

I stand there shaking as a hysterical mess.

The inner voice told me to "be a good girl eleisha and do as you are told" - a phrase I heard far too many times growing up.

And I felt it, in that moment.

I felt weak, powerless, out of control. I was petrified.

All I wanted was for my boy to be safe.

And so, against my spiritual and emotional beliefs, I got in the passenger seat of our car caressing my boy inside his first home, wishing we had more time together, feeling that now was not the right time, but pressured to do the right thing. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, I was numb.

And we just drove one kilometre at a time in the direction of the city hospital...

I wish that this was as traumatic as the arrival of my son into this world would get, but no, this is only the beginning...